Sunday, October 18, 2009

With Apologies to Monty Python

(Sir Biden, The-Not-so-Wise, stands in the village square trying to calculate how many jobs the stimulus has created or saved. He is hopelessly confused by the math and gives up. As he throws down his pen and paper he notices on angry mob coming up to him.)

ANGRY MOB: A raaaacist! A raaascist! (They stop in the village square in front of Sir Biden. They quiet down so they can explain their case to him.)

RICK SANCHEZ: We have found a racist. May we burn him?

ANGRY MOB: A raaacist! A raaaacist!
(Sir Biden raises his hand to quiet down the mob)

SIR BIDEN: How do you know he is a racist?

DAVE SHUSTER: He’s made racist statements. He praised James Earl Ray, Martin Luther King’s assassin.

RICK SANCHEZ: He once said slavery had its merits.

SIR BIDEN: Bring him forward. (Rush Limbaugh is pushed out of the crowd and stands in front of Sir Biden)

RUSH LIMBAUGH: I’m not a racist. I’m not a racist. I never said those things. They made them up.

SIR BIDEN: Is this true?


RICK SANCHEZ: Well, we can’t verify he praised Jame Earl Ray.

DAVE SHUSTER: Or that he said slavery had its merits.

RICK SANCHEZ: But he is a racist!

DAVE SHUSTER: He’s got a McCain-Palin sticker. (Dave points it out for everybody)

SIR BIDEN: What makes you think he is a racist?

TOURE: He had me lynched! (Everyone stares skeptically at the perfectly fine man)

SIR BIDEN: Lynched?
(Toure looks around)

TOURE: I got better.

DAVE SHUSTER: Burn him anyway.

SIR BIDEN: There are ways of telling whether he is a racist.

RICK SANCHEZ: Are there? Well then tell us?

SIR BIDEN: Tell me. . .what do you do with racists?

DAVE SHUSTER: Burn them! Burn them up!

SIR BIDEN: What do you burn apart from racists?

RICK SANCHEZ: More racists!

DAVE SHUSTER: American flags!

SIR BIDEN: So why do racists burn?

TOURE: Cuz they’re made of. . .American flags?

SIR BIDEN: Gooood.

(Everyone congratulates Toure.)

SIR BIDEN: So, how so we tell if he is made of American flags?
(The mob is silent as it thinks hard, unable to come up with anything)

SIR BIDEN: What happens to an American flag in a breeze.

DAVE SHUSTER: It flutters and flaps.

RICK SANCHEZ: Hang him from a flag pole.
(Sir Biden waves his hand for everyone to stop and quiet down)

SIR BIDEN: What else flutters in a breeze?


TOURE: A mullet!

DAVE SHUSTER: A very small penis!

(Everyone stares at the king, who was oh so wise with his answer)

SIR BIDEN: Exactly! So, logically. . .

RICK SANCHEZ: If he ways the same as laundry. . .he’s made of American flags!

SIR BIDEN: And therefore,


SIR BIDEN: We shall use my largest scales.
(As everyone cheers they walk over to the scales and put Rush on it along with a lone piece of laundry on the opposite weighing pan.)

SIR BIDEN: Remove the stops.
(The stops are removed with giant hammers and the pan Rush is in immediately falls to the ground. The villagers all stop and think about what they have just seen.)

RICK SANCHEZ: Let’s grab some more laundry.
(Everyone runs around grabbing whatever laundry they can. They load it up on the weighing pan until the two sides balance out and they have the result they want. Rush is then taken to be burned)

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