Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Gitmo Renaming
With the end of the year approaching Obama's deadline for closing Gitmo is going to pass, and it looks like the place is going to be staying open. I think most of the problems with Gitmo could be solved if we just renamed it. I suggest Obama's Happy Happy Fun Fun Camp for Persons Who Just May Have Possibly Alledgely Contributed to the Carrying Out and Implementation of Human Caused Unfortunate Incidents.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Obama's Deficits
With the recent news that the deficit for the year is going to be $1.4 trillion, I'm sure a lot of conservatives are thinking that this makes Obama incompetent, maybe even more so then Bush. Anyone who thinks this has to realize that in order to rack up a $1.4 trillion deficit, Obama had to first spend $3.4 trillion. Was Bush ever competent enough to spend $3.4 trillion? Was he?
With Apologies to Monty Python
(Sir Biden, The-Not-so-Wise, stands in the village square trying to calculate how many jobs the stimulus has created or saved. He is hopelessly confused by the math and gives up. As he throws down his pen and paper he notices on angry mob coming up to him.)
ANGRY MOB: A raaaacist! A raaascist! (They stop in the village square in front of Sir Biden. They quiet down so they can explain their case to him.)
RICK SANCHEZ: We have found a racist. May we burn him?
ANGRY MOB: A raaacist! A raaaacist!
(Sir Biden raises his hand to quiet down the mob)
SIR BIDEN: How do you know he is a racist?
DAVE SHUSTER: He’s made racist statements. He praised James Earl Ray, Martin Luther King’s assassin.
RICK SANCHEZ: He once said slavery had its merits.
SIR BIDEN: Bring him forward. (Rush Limbaugh is pushed out of the crowd and stands in front of Sir Biden)
RUSH LIMBAUGH: I’m not a racist. I’m not a racist. I never said those things. They made them up.
SIR BIDEN: Is this true?
ANGRY MOB: NO! NO! NO. . .YES! YES! YES!
RICK SANCHEZ: Well, we can’t verify he praised Jame Earl Ray.
DAVE SHUSTER: Or that he said slavery had its merits.
RICK SANCHEZ: But he is a racist!
DAVE SHUSTER: He’s got a McCain-Palin sticker. (Dave points it out for everybody)
SIR BIDEN: What makes you think he is a racist?
TOURE: He had me lynched! (Everyone stares skeptically at the perfectly fine man)
SIR BIDEN: Lynched?
(Toure looks around)
TOURE: I got better.
DAVE SHUSTER: Burn him anyway.
SIR BIDEN: There are ways of telling whether he is a racist.
RICK SANCHEZ: Are there? Well then tell us?
SIR BIDEN: Tell me. . .what do you do with racists?
DAVE SHUSTER: Burn them! Burn them up!
SIR BIDEN: What do you burn apart from racists?
RICK SANCHEZ: More racists!
DAVE SHUSTER: American flags!
SIR BIDEN: So why do racists burn?
TOURE: Cuz they’re made of. . .American flags?
SIR BIDEN: Gooood.
(Everyone congratulates Toure.)
SIR BIDEN: So, how so we tell if he is made of American flags?
(The mob is silent as it thinks hard, unable to come up with anything)
SIR BIDEN: What happens to an American flag in a breeze.
DAVE SHUSTER: It flutters and flaps.
RICK SANCHEZ: Hang him from a flag pole.
(Sir Biden waves his hand for everyone to stop and quiet down)
SIR BIDEN: What else flutters in a breeze?
RICH SANCHEZ: Cherries!
TOURE: A mullet!
DAVE SHUSTER: A very small penis!
KING BARACK: Laundry!
(Everyone stares at the king, who was oh so wise with his answer)
SIR BIDEN: Exactly! So, logically. . .
RICK SANCHEZ: If he ways the same as laundry. . .he’s made of American flags!
SIR BIDEN: And therefore,
DAVE SHUSTER: A racist!
SIR BIDEN: We shall use my largest scales.
(As everyone cheers they walk over to the scales and put Rush on it along with a lone piece of laundry on the opposite weighing pan.)
SIR BIDEN: Remove the stops.
(The stops are removed with giant hammers and the pan Rush is in immediately falls to the ground. The villagers all stop and think about what they have just seen.)
RICK SANCHEZ: Let’s grab some more laundry.
(Everyone runs around grabbing whatever laundry they can. They load it up on the weighing pan until the two sides balance out and they have the result they want. Rush is then taken to be burned)
ANGRY MOB: A raaaacist! A raaascist! (They stop in the village square in front of Sir Biden. They quiet down so they can explain their case to him.)
RICK SANCHEZ: We have found a racist. May we burn him?
ANGRY MOB: A raaacist! A raaaacist!
(Sir Biden raises his hand to quiet down the mob)
SIR BIDEN: How do you know he is a racist?
DAVE SHUSTER: He’s made racist statements. He praised James Earl Ray, Martin Luther King’s assassin.
RICK SANCHEZ: He once said slavery had its merits.
SIR BIDEN: Bring him forward. (Rush Limbaugh is pushed out of the crowd and stands in front of Sir Biden)
RUSH LIMBAUGH: I’m not a racist. I’m not a racist. I never said those things. They made them up.
SIR BIDEN: Is this true?
ANGRY MOB: NO! NO! NO. . .YES! YES! YES!
RICK SANCHEZ: Well, we can’t verify he praised Jame Earl Ray.
DAVE SHUSTER: Or that he said slavery had its merits.
RICK SANCHEZ: But he is a racist!
DAVE SHUSTER: He’s got a McCain-Palin sticker. (Dave points it out for everybody)
SIR BIDEN: What makes you think he is a racist?
TOURE: He had me lynched! (Everyone stares skeptically at the perfectly fine man)
SIR BIDEN: Lynched?
(Toure looks around)
TOURE: I got better.
DAVE SHUSTER: Burn him anyway.
SIR BIDEN: There are ways of telling whether he is a racist.
RICK SANCHEZ: Are there? Well then tell us?
SIR BIDEN: Tell me. . .what do you do with racists?
DAVE SHUSTER: Burn them! Burn them up!
SIR BIDEN: What do you burn apart from racists?
RICK SANCHEZ: More racists!
DAVE SHUSTER: American flags!
SIR BIDEN: So why do racists burn?
TOURE: Cuz they’re made of. . .American flags?
SIR BIDEN: Gooood.
(Everyone congratulates Toure.)
SIR BIDEN: So, how so we tell if he is made of American flags?
(The mob is silent as it thinks hard, unable to come up with anything)
SIR BIDEN: What happens to an American flag in a breeze.
DAVE SHUSTER: It flutters and flaps.
RICK SANCHEZ: Hang him from a flag pole.
(Sir Biden waves his hand for everyone to stop and quiet down)
SIR BIDEN: What else flutters in a breeze?
RICH SANCHEZ: Cherries!
TOURE: A mullet!
DAVE SHUSTER: A very small penis!
KING BARACK: Laundry!
(Everyone stares at the king, who was oh so wise with his answer)
SIR BIDEN: Exactly! So, logically. . .
RICK SANCHEZ: If he ways the same as laundry. . .he’s made of American flags!
SIR BIDEN: And therefore,
DAVE SHUSTER: A racist!
SIR BIDEN: We shall use my largest scales.
(As everyone cheers they walk over to the scales and put Rush on it along with a lone piece of laundry on the opposite weighing pan.)
SIR BIDEN: Remove the stops.
(The stops are removed with giant hammers and the pan Rush is in immediately falls to the ground. The villagers all stop and think about what they have just seen.)
RICK SANCHEZ: Let’s grab some more laundry.
(Everyone runs around grabbing whatever laundry they can. They load it up on the weighing pan until the two sides balance out and they have the result they want. Rush is then taken to be burned)
Obama's Nobel Prize
For some reason, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize reminded me of this quote by Sideshow Bob:
They still don't give Nobel prizes for attempted chemistry, but they do give them for attempted peace.
"Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?"
They still don't give Nobel prizes for attempted chemistry, but they do give them for attempted peace.
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